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A Cool Monster Bash in Van Helsing

Published October 16, 2004 in MOVIE REVIEW
By Ryan Parsons | Image from Universal
Dracula

A sample of the special FX from Van Helsing, Dracula doesn't see a mirror
Having little to do one night, I took the time the other night to watch the DVD Van Helsing, a film that I originally saw in theatres. The thing about this film is that it is silly, corny, and still cool as hell. The final battle in the film between the two enemies, Count Dracula [Richard Roxburgh] and Van Helsing [Hugh Jackman], makes the film worth the sit-at-home viewing.

Monster Bash


One of the greatest perks to Van Helsing is the use of famous monsters including Dracula, Dracula's Brides, Dr. Jekyl, Wolf Man, and Frankenstein's Monster. The film, created by The Mummy's Stephen Sommers, also supports these monsters with some damn good looking special affects that range from atmosphere, hot ladies flying then morphing, Wolfman morphing, Dracula morphing, and Van Helsing morphing [which was SWEET]. This film has a lot of cool stuff to offer and, even though it is a monster movie, you could probably get your younger children to sit through it due to the silliness encountered through out the film.

For those of you who have seen any of The Mummy films know what kind of silliness I am talking about. However, The Mummy films do offer more humor than Van Helsing. The characters in Van Helsing seem confused about the humor they were offering and, instead threw corny one-liners like "too bad, so sad." Hmm, how much work did it take to think that one up? This same corniness is what hurts Van Helsing the most. The film has a cool idea, a cool story about the relationship of Van Helsing and Dracula, but throws in such weird scripting that the viewer can almost be completely distracted from the film by something stupid or silly.

Hot Ass Monsters


Van Helsing has tons of eye candy, especially for the male viewer. Dracula's brides consists of Aleera, Verona, Marishka played by Elena Anaya, Silvia Colloca, and Josie Maran. And if you already do not know, these ladies are smoking hot. Especially the Bride the film allows to live the longest. Her breasts are pushed out so much that I was sitting in wonder of how many times they actually fell out of her top during takes. Maybe that is included in the DVD special features.

To add even more talent [as in hottie] to Van Helsing, they have Kate Beckinsale as one of the heroes in the film. Through out the film she wears nice, tight pants to help her battle vampires. Mamma like! Kate Beckinsale is also one of the hottest 'skinny' girls to ever be in an action movie. One DVD that I feel will sell great would be a documentary of Kate Beckinsale and Keira Knightley battling it out. Sales... through the roof!

Alright, all this hotness has made me lose track. Back to the review.

Dracula's Bride is Hot

The rain always made her depressed

The Story


The story to Van Helsing is pretty dang cool and allows the film to encompass a lot of the famous monsters mentioned above. What was especially cool was the story of both Van Helsing [who has a loss of memory, ala Wolverine from X-Men] and Dracula. Dracula and Van Helsing seem to have a history with one another, a histroy that is completely revealed by the end of the film to the viewers and Van Helsing. Another cool aspect was how the characters had to find a way to Dracula's castle and a way to kill Dracula [the normal tools against vampires do not apply]. A pretty sweet idea that was fully achieved thanks to some amazing special effects.

Again, I only have one gripe with the film and that is some corny scripting. The reliance on one-liners to carry the bulk of the humor inVan Helsing was just a bad idea by all means. This same corniness hangs over the entire film, which may prevent some people from a second viewing.

Final Judgment: Van Helsing is one of those damn cool movies that could have been even cooler with proper scripting. The film has a lot of opportunity to offer comedy, but fails at doing so with its reliance on corny one-liners from its characters. However, this movie does have a ton of hot chicks so you take it either way. B-

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Ryan Parsons
Sources: Image from Universal
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