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Miami Vice Review

Published July 28, 2006 in Movie Reviews
By Fred Topel | Image property of Universal Pictures.
Miami Vice Poster Miami Vice Poster
I’m going to be bold and go on record saying Miami Vice is worse than Annapolis. I’m in the heat of the moment right now, and I’ve had some time to cool down since January, but Annapolis was simply inept on every level. Miami Vice thinks it’s intense but it’s laughable.

Miami Vice Review

In the movie version, Tubbs and Crockett go undercover in South America to bring down a white supremacist gang that killed some undercover cops thanks to a leak in one of three agencies. They make a deal with a Latin druglord and Tubbs romances his Asian emissary.

The whole movie ends up being a long, boring procedural investigation. There’s a whole lot of shop talk, working deals, forming and cultivating relationships. Why spend a whole second act on another drug deal? Who cares?

The characters are such ridiculous caricatures, it doesn’t work with Mann’s ultra serious tone. Crockett seems to seduce bad girl Isabella just because she’s there. The music playing during their love scenes is borderline porno synth, but their chemistry is less convincing than Ron Jeremy’s.

All the macho cops with their tough talk, everybody’s posing. They try to get philosophical. “You can’t negotiate with gravity.” If you think a recycled drug deal plot is grave, you seriously need some perspective.

And for the South American druglords, they could have just pulled a cartoon out of a Simpsons McBain movie for all that pointed accent and broken English. Are they serious with rico suave threatening ebonics at the cops?

If it’s all about the procedural, they should have had it make a little bit of sense. Why the hell are they going after drug dealers when they want to hit white supremacists? And where the hell did the white supremacists come from after they spent an hour on the drug deal? Who was the leak? They never address it.

The action thinks that being big, loud and ultraviolent makes it cool. It doesn’t. It feels just as procedural as the rest of the script. My balls are still vibrating from the super bass sounds of gunshots and explosions. And that CGI fire looks so stupid. What did you think would happen when Tubbs said, “You wait here in the room with all the explosives while I go outside”?

I’m just baffled by how bad Miami Vice is. It’s not just a matter of trying something new with an old show and failing. It’s not just about being a mediocre cop movie. It is reprehensible on every level.

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Compiled By (Sources)
Fred Topel
Sources: Image property of Universal Pictures.

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