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Everyone's Hero Review

Published September 14, 2006 in Movie Reviews
By Fred Topel | Image property of Universal Pictures.
Everyone's Hero Everyone's Hero
Okay, I’m about to say really bad things about Christopher Reeve’s final piece of work. I feel okay about this for two reasons. One, it’s not really Reeve’s. Two other animation guys really made the movie after Reeve died. Two, even if they fulfilled Reeve’s vision to the T, he was a grown man and a veteran of three decades in the film industry. No matter what adversity he triumphed over, he could have done much better than Everyone’s Hero.

Everyone's Hero Review

The latest generic looking CGI movie has little Yankee Irving caught up in a plot to steal Babe Ruth’s lucky bat. He pursues the stolen bat across the country with a talking baseball he found at his local sandlot. The bat talks too, so they argue along their adventure until they learn the true meaning of, uh, hmm. I guess “don’t steal” is a good moral.

Maybe I don’t know what kids today like, but I have sympathy for the parents. This movie is so stupid. If I were four, I’d much rather just watch Baby Einstein on a continuous loop. At least it looks pretty.

First of all, the kid sucks at baseball in an unfunny way. He just can’t hit. It’s not really funny to watch him miss. All around, the extent of the humor is tired references to beans and clever double entendres like “I’m going to pitch my lunch.” Get it? Because pitch also could mean vomiting.

Second, the baseball complains but he doesn’t make jokes. He says “That can’t feel good” when someone gets hit in the crotch. Guess that’s their twist on “That’s gotta hurt.” He says he’s being turned into a spitball when he gets drool on him. That’s not even ironic. He’s just saying he’s a ball with spit on it. And when he says he feels like a Danish after getting hit by an apple, what does that mean? Apples and baseballs make danishes? What the hell?

Third, once the bat starts talking it’s unbearable. Whoopi Goldberg stereotypes her voice up, just in case you couldn’t already tell she’s black

Fourth, when they try to go all pop culture-y, it’s totally irrelevant. They oddly throw in references to J Edgar Hoover (being an FBI agent) and Eleanor Roosevelt (being fat). If that’s supposed to keep the adults entertained, thanks but no thanks.

Fifth, it’s got all the offensive music: a love song over exploring the locker room to symbolize both the child’s love of the game and his love of his father, the poppy action song, the sad lonely song and the hip hop remix for the negro league scene.

Sixth, is a talking baseball even impressive today? Try a talking Xbox. Seriously, even if a kid’s into sports, I guess everyone knows Babe Ruth but all the other players and myths are from that era.

There are a couple minor inspirations, and perhaps those are the parts Reeve worked on before he died. The bouncing ball complaining “My head, my butt, my head, my butt…” is cute, and Lefty’s train top contortions have some fun animation. That’s really reaching though.

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Compiled By (Sources)
Fred Topel
Sources: Image property of Universal Pictures.

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