Blood and Chocolate
I have made it a point never to see an Underworld film. It offends me that they think that's what I want. I love action movies, but you don't just slap some latex on a hottie and do Matrix moves with some crappy CGI effects. Somehow, my job has kept me from those, but I was assigned to the same producers' Blood & Chocolate.
Movie Review: Blood and Chocolate
In this, the kick ass chick wears skirts as she bounces off walls and looks all depressed. Vivian (Agnes Bruckner) is a werewolf promised to the pack leader Gabriel (Olivier Martinez). She doesn't like this whole legacy/ritual thing, but her cousin Rafe (the aptly named Bryan Dick) likes to taunt her about it. Throw in a cute artist Aiden (Hugh Dancy) who happens to be researching a graphic novel on werewolves, and poor Vivian is bound to be conflicted.
Everybody takes this movie way too seriously. You can't have people talking about "the ways of our people" and "where you belong" when it's kids acting all intense but with no weight behind the eyes, even the CGI enhanced ones. It looks like a Sci-Fi channel movie where they explain yet another creature mythology that's exactly the same as all the other ones.
The very first conversation between Vivian and her aunt plays like, "Do this." "No, I don't wanna." "Come on, do this." "No." Nobody's having any fun with this material. Look at the great fantasies. Spider-Man is emotionally gripping, but they're having fun with it. Batman Begins was even darker, yet they had fun.
Even the villains, with Rafe relishing his evil power, don't seem to be playing the fun of it. They're clearly overcompensating for something and whining that nobody's afraid of them because they're so powerful.
The only actor who knows what to do here is Dancy. At first, he's playing the romantic comedy. She hates him but he won't give up, and they have montages and everything. Then when he finally sees a real werewolf and realizes what he's in, he plays the real guy in a ridiculous situation. Deadly ridiculous but still ridiculous. Like how the hell am I actually fighting werewolves?
The werewolves here are actual wolves, so they're not humanoid makeup creatures or even CGI. That means the action is basically rolling around with dogs. You can't really choreograph a wolf, so they just set 'em loose and roll around. Not very exciting.
Also, if these werewolves are so powerful, how can some skinny little artist fight them off? They can transform, but anyone who can kick a dog should be able to get away from them.
The movie just never ends. It could have wrapped up with all the bad guys taken care of, but it keeps going. It seems like once they listed all the ways you could kill a werewolf, they had to implement each and every one before the end of the movie.
By the way, that romantic montage mentioned before, all the shots involve water. They play in a sprinkler, dance around puddles, run through the rain and get caught in another fountain. Are the filmmakers trying to say that water is actually thicker than blood? But that's not the way the expression goes. Whoa.